墙。

心里
筑起了一座墙。

只有这样
我才能暂时忍受
那从2008年4月17日开始的痛。

有什么泪要流
有什么话想说想写
Finals后再看吧。

想你

在你面前

我真的会有点任性。

I miss you.

突然想写。

五月一号正式开考。

为了这最后的冲刺，
前一阵子的杂乱
就在上星期硬生生地被解决了。

出乎预料的是
看似复杂的情感，看清后也不过如此。
一整袋的忧虑真的只是多余的包袱，根本就不需要被扛在肩上。

这是好事。
你说得对，有时维持现状也很好
我也喜欢现在这样的简单。

时间过得好快啊
来到这里100多天后
我依然每天在倒数
依然时不时在想家
依然会想起那不能再见到她的遗憾
依然深深感受到心里那个在4月17日后就不能再被填补的空洞
依然会偶尔想起某个失去了的她

还有
依然爱你。

倒数中

期待已久的Finals终于来敲门了呵呵呵

这两个星期会很忙
但忙完后，就可以回家 =)

好想回家

昨晚我做了很傻的一件事。

我习惯每天晚上睡前祷告
为身边的人和自己祷告

忙碌真的可以让人忘记很多东西
这几天的忙碌
让我居然差点就忘了婆婆已经不在
我差点就要为她的健康祷告。

呵呵
很傻吧。

人走了就不会再回来了
还有22天
但我已经等不及回去见还留在我身边的人。

Thank you.

这几天真的很难过，少了一大块的心依旧很沉重很沉重。
如果没有你们，我想现在的我应该垮了吧。

I can't imagine me without you all.

爸、妈：
放心吧，我哭过就没事了。如果你们看到这博客，应该会更放心吧。
我答应你们，那年的事不会再重复了。

恩宁：
不习惯拥抱的你，是昨天第一个流着泪抱着我哭的人—你就是那么善良，那么可爱。这几天应该忙得很累吧，又要看着镜茹，又要为我担心，功课还很多。昨晚还让你白操心，让你空跑了图书馆一趟，真的真的不好意思……你呀你，自己也要小心一下身体，不要累垮了。谢谢你 =)

Rin：
Girlfriend, I love you. Thanks for your Oishii Green Tea, Twisties and that first pail of ice water you pour down my back. Come to think of it, that's my first proper water fight since Song Kran... you know what I love about you? You tried your best to make me happy even though you told me that you honestly don't know what to do in times like these...And that's enough. I really appreciate that a lot you know. And your hugs are simply irreplacable =)

Keziah:
You are so sweet! Thank you so much for hugging me while I cry at the football field =) I know these few days you're so stressed up and frustrated, and I really thank you for talking with me and making me feel better. I didn't even get to help you with your work like I said..it's nice of you to put up with me like this.. And thank you for something else too...but lets keep that a secret ok? Take care...I really enjoy being with you sweety..

Greg:
郭先生，你昨晚唱的歌有待改善……不过这几天真的辛苦你和恩宁了，几乎每天都为Kitty和我到处跑。从星期日晚上就已经麻烦你了，昨天最忙的也是你，不好意思。记得小心身体了。
*不过我也有帮你打了封信回家哦呵呵。

Maggie, Kitty, Matthew:
I love you guys! Sigh things are just happening to all of us all at one time..
Kitty，要早日康复!
Maggie，考试加油了!
Matthew, the doughnuts are nice =)

Xian:
谢谢……放心，我没事的。不过不好意思，关于你的我迟点才有时间写了……我五月回去的时候，希望有时间跟你们一起出去了=)

The others:
I'm sorry that I can't include all your names..But I'm really thankful for your concern; it reminds me that I have friends who care =)

大家，辛苦你们了。
Thank you.

*
宝贝：
虽然你不在你身边，但我知道你已经尽你的能力
在那边，你真的要小心
我真的不想再看到身边的人，我爱的人出事了。

17/04/08

I will never forget this day.
I give my thanks to all my family and friends who are always there for me.
I found something in a book. I read it on last Friday, not knowing that 5 days later it will all come back to me.

"Whatever happens when people die,
love doesn't stop, and neither will I."

This love stays forever.

Loss.

I lost my grandmother today.
I'll never ever forget 17 April 2008.

给一个姓徐的傻婆

亲爱的傻婆，
没在博客写起你
不代表我忘记你了 =)

我大姨妈露在裙子的时候
我记得你紧跟在我身后，帮我遮住了裙子
我想听歌的时候
我记得你会唱给我听
我跟他分手的时候
我记得你在半夜爬起来陪我讲电话陪我哭逗我笑
我Add Maths一团糟的时候
我记得你很耐心地教我
我跟她翻脸的时候
我记得你说：没关系，你还有我。
我想和他一起出去的时候
我记得你常常当我的烟雾弹
我要来泰国的时候
我记得你说：要小心照顾自己，不要出什么事了。
我在泰国的时候
我记得你无时都会说想念我

虽然你以前常常把手放在我头上显示自己有多高
虽然你以前明知我讨厌人撒娇还是特地鬼叫惹我
虽然你以前知道某人要追我的时候笑我笑到嘴巴都要破掉
虽然你以前有时真的非常地屁股人(这句话也是你教我的）

虽然你到现在还是非常喜欢嘲笑我的高度

可是我从来都没把你忘记
也永远都不会忘记你 =)
你知道吗
我妈还没看过你，早就已经知道你是谁了
因为我常常都把你挂在嘴边

傻婆
我知道最近你遇上了些麻烦
不过
我也一样告诉你:
你还有我。
至少我还可以让你把手放在我头上（虽然那会把我的高度再度拉低）
我还可以让你打屁股减压泄愤（还可以顺便帮我减肥肉）

刚刚一直在找和你一起拍的合照
才发现很可惜的，这台电脑里面没有我们两个一起拍的照片
下个月我回去
一定要多拍点相片了 =）

思绪重组

恩
不写出来我就睡不着

就算是再怎么不愿意
我都必须承认

有些麻烦
真的是自找的。

有些问题
真的是自己的执著惹出来的。

有些事情
真的是很难分对错
真要追根究底
那双方都有对的地方，也有错的地方

于事无补的对不起
其实还是心里深处的一句话

但是
我觉得我的话，我的想法
有它一定的正面价值
只是我必须学习用正确的方式去表达它
正如我应该学会用正确的方式维护自己的立场一样。

看得开，不计较这堂课
我现在选择留级继续修。

就是想写点东西

刚考完Human Quest 4的Finals
讲师Pastor Seth被韩国某所大学请去教英文，所以这一科的期末考才会提前进行
这样也好，下个月可以少考一科
压力就没那么大
感觉上会考得不错。

说说Seth吧
他全名是Seth Leamon，是个很活泼的年轻美国讲师。
他教学态度较轻松，只是对于报告的要求比较严格。
Seth和这里的西方人一样，对中华文化很有兴趣。去年我跟Rin是他班上唯一的华人，上完第一堂课后就从此被他认住了，每次看到我们都会有些许兴奋。
他一家大小之前都住在学院里
太太Elizabeth声音可甜了，唱歌很好听
两个儿子Marcus和Lucas也非常可爱，迟点我把照片放上来给你们看

会有点想念他们一家的。

正式期末考5月1号开始
还剩下一个月不到的时间。
我大概又要去预订一下抱佛脚的位子了呵呵

下个星期是Song Kran（泼水节）周，放假一个星期。
可能会去曼谷玩玩，顺便去血拼
呵呵荷包大概会再次大出血

这几天大概是压力太大了
尽做了些蠢事
自己的博客写了一大堆废话
还一时心血来潮拼命跑去别人家猛灌水
结果灌到在祖仪那里被列入过滤名单
还留了一个删除不了的白痴“ccc”留言呵呵呵呵
祖仪，真的很不好意思……

我现在几乎每晚跑来Rin房间上网
她大概就快把我杀了呵呵呵

哈哈

这几天不知道为什么
只想一直写写写

突然想起自己很怕黑
到现在还是很怕很怕

曾经有段时间
每到晚上
天一暗
心里就很不安
在房里还试过抱着圣经睡觉

有没有试过一看见有阳光
就有一种松一口气的感觉
我有
黑暗，真的很可怕

I met someone here who always seem to live in the dark.
Her heart looks fine on the surface, but her wounds run deep and in her heart they stay.
She is always protected and loved by everyone around her. It's just that somehow, these don't really get past her pain and erase the darkness in her.
Sometimes I envy her, sometimes I am jealous of her and sometimes I feel that I am just plain sick of her whines and complaints.
But when I thought of the dark nights she had, I know I am lucky and I will not trade places with her forever. And I really do feel sorry for her.

她其实让我想起
曾经拥有的一个朋友

对
是曾经
因为我们实在是两个世界的人

我的无知和一些自私
已让另一个她抹去了我在她世界的存在
我必须承认我也有同感

哈哈哈哈
我真的没有没有自己想象中的看得开
对于她，我很矛盾
气已经消了
只是伤害还在
下午超不爽的时候打的一堆文字
多多少少也是有冲着另一个她而来的话
不知道有没有让她看见了

其实
这样把对方当成陌路也好吧
她看见我
我看见她
还是会想起彼此给对方的伤害

我们之间
已经演变成不论对方说什么做什么
都有极大可能被误解的地步

严格说来
我依然讨厌她的处事态度
但我不讨厌她

对她的矛盾下
其实依然希望她现在比以前快乐。

哈哈哈
哈哈哈哈哈哈
我到底想干嘛
我今晚真的是有点问题了。

松一口气

呼
幸亏刚刚的胡思乱想没有正式发作
不然一下子自己就有得好受的了

有时
很无心的动作
看在别人眼里未必就是那么简单

像三日未见的郭先生所说的：
很多时候不是你觉得事情是怎样
重点是你让别人觉得事情是怎样

上个星期大家的不安
正和这一句话有关
好不容易挽回的友情
差点就因为一句话再次破灭

下午和昨晚打的一切
就当是我泄一泻愤
悄悄让风吹走吧

ImpulsiveOutburst.

Lets shift to something else other than homework.
Last week, I

1. talked unsuccessfully with one of my best friends about his seemingly hostility towards me
2. experienced the fear and worries one will get when her boyfriend got into an accident (by the way, he's ok)
3. got (accidentally) left to go on a busful of Thai people who didn't speak English to get to a hospital I only went once
4. got temporarily stranded (also an accident) at Saraburi while trying to catch a bus to get back to college
5. yelled (and regretted for yelling) at another best friend
6. went on a horrifying search at 11pm at night through the mountains for her
7. spent a few miserable days picking up the broken pieces of trust and friendship left after these various incidents
8. been helped out by darling Wanna (Girlfriend, I LOVE YOU haha) and made up with everybody after lots of yelling, screaming, crying, apologising, hugging and an Overwhelming lot of sorting out to get a heck of the accidents caused by a great deal of misunderstanding.

Hmph. Nice week, huh.
But I managed to regain one of my best friends and is once again on speaking terms with the another. It's a pretty tough test on the friendship we have; we actually do have to reevaluate some matters. But hey, nobody's really mad at anybody and thank goodness we did yell at one another, got the whole point out and got out of this whole mess.

Some wounds run deep though. I remembered last week as a week when the skies show only an endless depth of gray and black.
For the first time, I cried out loud that I wanna go home and I truly meant it. I mean it still.
Home is where I can still go to when the rest of the world turns me away.

Haha. Guess this doesn't really go with my colourful blog skin and all the previous posts with the seemingly fake happiness and joys of college life, huh?

Don't get me wrong. I love here. And I do feel happy in those times I wrote about in my blog.

That simply doesn't mean that I am always happy and I get everything I want here. Haha, I remembered Benson mentioned something about that and man, ain't that a hell of a joke.

I just put all those bloody-hell-days in another blog that doesn't need readers, learn the lessons from those days and discard the rest because it's simply pointless for me to brood over and over again on my mistakes or someone else's mistakes that had been done. I am the only one feeling all the burden of my broodings, there's no one to blame for putting myself in this and with all the things I have to do there's simply no time for all these.

Life just Isn't Fair.

Take it or leave it.

I took it, and since I'm already in it I do not see any point in always picking on the cold and difficult times of everything since there always will be something unplesant and I'm pretty sure that my life is just too damn short for that.

I am definitely not going back to the days of being a pessimistic mouse in the corner with a black cloud always hanging over me. No way. Life is too short.
And so what if it rains? I brood for a few days, decide that I don't want to brood anymore, take off my shoes and run in it. Then I dry myself, remind myself that I am still a child and go on.

What you see, is just often what you get.

*To tell the truth though, sometimes it's so hot here in Thailand that when we see that it's raining some of us really do cheer and play in it.

TakeaBreak.

Whoosh. Time for a break.
I always seem to have something on hand these days. Ever wonder how time always seem to speed up right in the middle of the semester? At least that's how it works for me.

First there's that research paper on schizophrenia for English Composition II.
Mrs. Marie asked us for 5-7 pages of research paper, but I handed up 12 pages after typing on my lappie for about 6 hours. No, I am NOT a nerd.
Nescafe made me did it! I bought one from Seven E and it boosted my spirits so high that I was halfway through the 7th page when I realised that I had only completed 2 of my 4 sections. The last 5 pages was simply a desperate struggle to finish my other two sections, but hey, I did it all by myself and I'm kinda proud of it Lol

Next there's my Thai Language & Culture book report.
Then there's my lovely Wedding Plan for Marriage and Family.
And lets not forget about my Human Quest 4 Finals tomorrow.

Come to think of it..
The busier I get
the faster time will go
and the faster time will go
the faster I'll be back in Malaysia =)

37 more days to go.

Statement.

头痛

很痛很痛
整个头好像就快裂开了

痛痛痛痛痛
痛痛痛痛痛

我要赶快做完功课
赶快去睡觉。

对了
大家不要小看cbox这样小
其实那边可以放很多字的
所以
恩宁小姐！
不要用那个作借口不留言！

*
我
依旧是个小孩
但已经不是以前的小孩

爱我的
都了解我的思想深度
有他们的认同就够了

其实
我觉得不爱我的
心底也清楚
我已经在开始展翅飞翔

妄想再把我踩在脚下

做善事

知道我现在在干嘛吗
我现在在做善事
在Science Building喂蚊子。

问答时间
1. 为什么我喂蚊子?
答：因为我要上网。
2. 为什么要上网就要喂蚊子？
答：因为今天图书馆没开，要上网只能到Science Building。
3. 为什么要上网一定要出去？
答：因为我亲爱的房间出了网路以外，从热水壶到Tookay什么都有。

注：Tookay其实是在这里很普遍的爬虫类动物，属Gecko类。

爽

刚刚打死了一只蚊子。
看来我做善事也是有限
做到某个程度还是会大开杀戒。

呵呵
有点大快人心的感觉。

到现在为止还是没发觉蚊子有什么屁用。
大概是要让人类做运动吧
让他们偶尔停止看电脑荧幕停下来拍拍手。

呵呵
又打死了一只。

*以上情节全是本人碎碎念，如有雷同，纯属心有灵犀一点通。

2008愚人节

2008年的愚人节差点给了我最大的玩笑，
因为它差点就让我失去一个谁也代替不了的他。

他让我交不成报告，
因为他在我正匆忙赶Thai Language & Culture Book Report的时候打来。
他让我差点被图书管理员瞪了一眼，
因为突如其来的电话让在专心写报告的我惊了一下，差点喊出声来。
他让我感到意外兼莫名其妙，
因为他不但语气奇怪，问的问题也奇怪。

然后
他让我差点就跌坐在地上，
因为他接下来说出的话让我突然全身感到无力，手脚有点抬不起。
他让我突然吓得差点说不出话，只能像白痴一样不停的说：“Har?”
因为他说他出了车祸。

再然后
他让我心情突然从担心急转为感动

因为他说：
我以为我再也见不到你了。

过了一阵
他再说一次：
我真的以为我再也见不到你了。

说的时候，他声音在颤抖。
说的时候，他突然哽咽。
说完过后，他突然在一瞬间说不出一句话。

他让我愣了。
到两个小时候还有些许慌神。

*
这会是我永远都不会忘记的愚人节。

车祸

宏出了车祸。宏出了车祸。宏出了车祸。

宏出了车祸。

虽然只是皮外伤

但我脑海里一直只出现这几个字。

突然脚软。

突然觉得无力。

我在慌神中。